A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

Richard Jeni

Categorized in : Hypocrite Yoga Yelling

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Richard Jeni

tattoo regret thinking

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

Richard Jeni

gay hypocrite running

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

Richard Jeni

illegal cloning purpose

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Richard Jeni

nightmare dream may

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Richard Jeni

differences nuts looks

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

Richard Jeni

fire sex people

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Richard Jeni

lasts each-day life

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Richard Jeni

running mean thinking

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Richard Jeni

divorce fifty looks

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Richard Jeni

hindenburg flying fighting

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Richard Jeni

sunday spiritual mean

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Richard Jeni

ugly los-angeles ifs

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Richard Jeni

military country people

I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni

revenge war people

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Richard Jeni

luck success two

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Richard Jeni

toilets important paper

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Richard Jeni

carrots eye rabbits

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Richard Jeni

birth-control gun needs

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

Richard Jeni

team football people

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

Richard Jeni

married doctors choices