All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

Doug Stanhope

Categorized in : Funny Humor Cancer

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

Doug Stanhope

mind winning laughing

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

Doug Stanhope

hate pride race

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Doug Stanhope

house kids sex

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Doug Stanhope

language parent children

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

Doug Stanhope

doctors unique depression

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

Doug Stanhope

rebel atheist two

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

Doug Stanhope

nursing home lying

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Doug Stanhope

intellect mediocre people

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Doug Stanhope

addiction enjoy funny

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Doug Stanhope

suicide depression funny

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

Doug Stanhope

baggage heritage moving

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Doug Stanhope

pills miracle would-be

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

Doug Stanhope

society goal long

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Doug Stanhope

humor funny people

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

Doug Stanhope

paper perfect mean

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

Doug Stanhope

credit giving america

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Doug Stanhope

humor funny two

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

Doug Stanhope

what-if leader doe

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Doug Stanhope

accurate voice real

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Doug Stanhope

humor funny believe