Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show. Whitney Cummings More Quotes by Whitney Cummings More Quotes From Whitney Cummings My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill. Whitney Cummings definitions want love-is A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you. Whitney Cummings filters true-friend women There was a time in L.A. when I drove to 7-Eleven to go grocery shopping, and I locked my keys in my car, which wasn't insured. My wallet was in there, and I couldn't call AAA, because I only had $7 in my bank account. It was one of those moments where I was like, 'O.K., I literally have nothing right now. Whitney Cummings shopping car keys I feel like, in a lot of shows where the woman is in charge, the woman is this ball buster and the guy is sort of weak and spineless. And that's never been my experience in a relationship. I think it's much more interesting that the guy is the boss. And there are stakes. Whitney Cummings relationship interesting thinking I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx. Whitney Cummings being-thankful laughing people I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day. Whitney Cummings nice goal want Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old? Whitney Cummings balls funny years I'm the one who's dating the craft-service guy instead of the producer. Plus, if a producer is going to date a hot young thing, I'm probably not the first person on their list - the weird, quirky, funny girl. Whitney Cummings dating guy girl Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete. Whitney Cummings credit black people I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write. Whitney Cummings writing men thinking I remember my agent at ICM at the beginning of my career telling me that I wasn't pretty enough, that I was always going to be a quirky sidekick. And he was an ogre of a man. He should have been carrying a torch. If he was in a bar, he couldn't have come near me, and then he was deciding my fate. Whitney Cummings fate should-have men When a guy writes a scene where a woman does a deviant sex act on camera, it's objectifying. But when a woman writes it, it's feminism. Whitney Cummings women writing sex I was joking the other day about how my real life feels like a TV show, and my TV life feels real - because, to be on Thursday nights on NBC, which is what I grew up with, has been such a big part of inspiring me. To be part of that tradition is really completely surreal, and I'm so grateful. Whitney Cummings grateful real night I think that we're in a really amazing time, where there are really a lot of really fantastic female actresses and comedians. I imagine there's just a lot of opportunity for women to have powerful roles. Or it's just that there's more women writing TV. Women tend to maybe write strong women. Whitney Cummings strong-women powerful writing I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes. Whitney Cummings bags eye looks I did some pretty embarrassing modeling, like catalogs and QVC. I know there's probably a stereotype where all pretty girls think they're unattractive, but modeling is the worst thing for your self-esteem, because you're never pretty enough, you're never thin enough. Whitney Cummings girl self-esteem thinking In April I accidentally posted an insta story that showed nipple, once I realized, I deleted. The people who took screen grabs are trying to get money from me, some said they have offers to sell them, some are asking for money to not post the photo. Whitney Cummings top-news Washington, D.C., you are the first crowd to meet Robot Whitney. Whitney Cummings entertainment I had a moment where I was onstage once... As a comedian, you just think, 'Be funny as possible all the time - like, funny at all costs - jokes, jokes, jokes.' That's how my mentality was. Whitney Cummings moment you time funny For me, my body image struggle started very young. All that I heard from my mother, my aunts, and my mom's friends was, 'I gotta lose five pounds.' At 5 years old, I learned a size 2 is not thin enough. It was, 'Don't eat carbs! Don't eat sugar! Drink Diet Coke! You always diet!' So that was engrained in my brain at a very early age. Whitney Cummings me you age mother
