I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. But he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Rush Limbaugh, 'I hope the country fails' - I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? ... He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

Wanda Sykes

Categorized in : Thinking Country Oxycontin

I'm a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

Wanda Sykes

gay hate thinking

These CEOs, man ... If you're that ruthless, you're a scary dude. I tell you, now when I walk past a little gang banger, I don't even blink. But if I see a white dude with a Wall Street Journal, I haul ass. Before I walk past the Arthur Andersen building, I cut through the projects. If you cut through the projects, you may just lose what you have on you that day. I ain't never been mugged of my whole future.

Wanda Sykes

wall cutting past

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

Wanda Sykes

passion wish inspirational

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

Wanda Sykes

caves unique giving

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

Wanda Sykes

cancer unhappy inspirational

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

Wanda Sykes

gun house people

When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage recognized in Nevada, Arizona, all the way to New York. How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?

Wanda Sykes

california gay new-york

If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex.

Wanda Sykes

dont-believe believe sex

As soon as you say 'I do,' you'll discover that marriage is like a car. Both of you might be sitting in the front seat, but only one of you is driving. And most marriages are more like a motorcycle than a car. Somebody has to sit in the back, and you have to yell just to be heard.

Wanda Sykes

motorcycle car marriage

I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

Wanda Sykes

racist stupid needs

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

Wanda Sykes

different want enemy

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

Wanda Sykes

coming-out ice-cream eating

I don’t understand why people really get upset about something that doesn’t affect them at all.

Wanda Sykes

upset people

The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

Wanda Sykes

powerful lying sex

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

Wanda Sykes

government hard-work funny

I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'

Wanda Sykes

running cute baby

I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman, and I'm proud to be gay.

Wanda Sykes

black gay proud

Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' "They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'

Wanda Sykes

damn-you roots people

That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.

Wanda Sykes

hate sex thinking

If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

Wanda Sykes

passionate want people