I used to love the election season'cause it's kind of fun. Everyone makes a big sport out of it with all these different news stories and everything. I like it better now that everybody knows all the candidates from the past 15 years. But it does get really ugly. It's ugly and it's pugilist.

Colin Quinn

Categorized in : Past Sports Fun

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

Colin Quinn

laughing funny thinking

It’s sad. Marxism didn’t work. Communism didn’t work. Capitalism doesn’t work. Nothing works. Even democracy doesn’t work. Democracy-the greatest form of government and we have two choices for who’s our leader. In fascism you only have one choice. That’s great. We have one more choice than the worst form of government.

Colin Quinn

sad leadership work

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

Colin Quinn

diversity long people

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

Colin Quinn

guy long thinking

Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are.

Colin Quinn

who-we-are crazy humanity

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

Colin Quinn

greek life-is firsts

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

Colin Quinn

office talking war

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

Colin Quinn

likes laughing funny

I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.

Colin Quinn

russia strong hands

You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.

Colin Quinn

making-money broadway pay

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

Colin Quinn

crazy self-esteem play

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

Colin Quinn

mind hands years

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Colin Quinn

kleenex used earth

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

Colin Quinn

six gun thinking

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.

Colin Quinn

writing funny thinking

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

Colin Quinn

kings reason witty

The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they're going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

Colin Quinn

elderly reality thinking

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

Colin Quinn

violent facts world

I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.

Colin Quinn

cynical comedian world

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

Colin Quinn

mistake people thinking