I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, 'Why are we here?' The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

Karl Pilkington

Categorized in : Years People Holiday

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

Karl Pilkington

iron age funny

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

Karl Pilkington

challenges yesterday home

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.

Karl Pilkington

bananas saws facts

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

Karl Pilkington

ladders giraffe evolution

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

Karl Pilkington

too-much sometimes people

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

Karl Pilkington

glasses doors people

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

Karl Pilkington

ocean simple sea

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Karl Pilkington

mouths stuff funny

Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.

Karl Pilkington

over-it voice talking

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

Karl Pilkington

miles-apart biscuits lifestyle

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

Karl Pilkington

apples doctors funny

If you can't do it, don't do it.

Karl Pilkington

ifs

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

Karl Pilkington

nice eye baby

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

Karl Pilkington

worst-case-scenario population-problem dirty

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

Karl Pilkington

cameras sound men

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Karl Pilkington

ocean giving funny

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

Karl Pilkington

chocolate funny mean

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

Karl Pilkington

arses kicks ducks

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

Karl Pilkington

pyramids games believe

The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny.

Karl Pilkington

tiny design pyramids