MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees. Ambrose Bierce More Quotes by Ambrose Bierce More Quotes From Ambrose Bierce Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. Ambrose Bierce sad cute inspirational Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. Ambrose Bierce nerd political-will greed Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Ambrose Bierce democracies-have lunch gun Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. Ambrose Bierce political evil wish Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. Ambrose Bierce tribes powerful hatred Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. Ambrose Bierce mad sarcastic intellectual War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Ambrose Bierce military peace funny Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. Ambrose Bierce daughter nature religious A lottery is a tax on stupidity. Ambrose Bierce lottery taxes stupidity Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Ambrose Bierce power stupid country In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. Ambrose Bierce government humor funny Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. Ambrose Bierce sarcastic business inspirational Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Ambrose Bierce money math inspirational Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil. Ambrose Bierce weapons men war The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity. Ambrose Bierce rewards degrees democracy Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things divine with marked respect — don't have anything to do with them. Do not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought to be. Ambrose Bierce hurt play believe Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. Ambrose Bierce powerful christian cheating You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege - to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you can not even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap! Ambrose Bierce leeches reptiles years Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. Ambrose Bierce assassins harmony musical Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. Ambrose Bierce future happiness friendship
