Ambrose Bierce: RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, "Homo ventrambu...

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Ambrose Bierce

sad cute inspirational

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Ambrose Bierce

nerd political-will greed

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Ambrose Bierce

democracies-have lunch gun

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

Ambrose Bierce

political evil wish

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

Ambrose Bierce

tribes powerful hatred

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

Ambrose Bierce

mad sarcastic intellectual

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Ambrose Bierce

military peace funny

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Ambrose Bierce

daughter nature religious

A lottery is a tax on stupidity.

Ambrose Bierce

lottery taxes stupidity

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

Ambrose Bierce

power stupid country

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Ambrose Bierce

government humor funny

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

Ambrose Bierce

sarcastic business inspirational

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Ambrose Bierce

money math inspirational

Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil.

Ambrose Bierce

weapons men war

The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.

Ambrose Bierce

rewards degrees democracy

Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things divine with marked respect — don't have anything to do with them. Do not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought to be.

Ambrose Bierce

hurt play believe

Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

Ambrose Bierce

powerful christian cheating

You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege - to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you can not even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap!

Ambrose Bierce

leeches reptiles years

Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Ambrose Bierce

assassins harmony musical

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Ambrose Bierce

future happiness friendship

RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, "Homo ventrambulans".