Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

Artie Lange

Categorized in : Thinking Looks Done

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Artie Lange

whiskey

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.

Artie Lange

couple baseball sports

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Artie Lange

gps voice use

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

Artie Lange

drink drinking sometimes

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

Artie Lange

mirages gambling kids

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

Artie Lange

ems drug hate

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

Artie Lange

gambling gun running

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

Artie Lange

swimming lasts half

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?

Artie Lange

uncles mother art

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

Artie Lange

hug drug way

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

Artie Lange

kissing gay thinking

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

Artie Lange

vegas memories kids

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

Artie Lange

toby fighting christian

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

Artie Lange

apologizing jokes ifs

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.

Artie Lange

voice crazy character

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

Artie Lange

weekend christian drinking

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

Artie Lange

good-night sleep night

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

Artie Lange

careers people interesting

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

Artie Lange

accidents heroin kids

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

Artie Lange

stability guy