This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

Chelsea Handler

Categorized in : Order Mixing Onions

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

Chelsea Handler

camels israel trying

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Chelsea Handler

mother jobs funny

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

Chelsea Handler

laugh-often important laughing

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Chelsea Handler

care humor funny

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Chelsea Handler

humor sleep funny

As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.

Chelsea Handler

full-circle circles giving

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

Chelsea Handler

dog

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Chelsea Handler

brighter shining people

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Chelsea Handler

humor drinking funny

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

Chelsea Handler

real dog funny

You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.

Chelsea Handler

speak-your-mind should want

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, 'I'm a very good friend.'

Chelsea Handler

good-friend opposites people

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

Chelsea Handler

humor night funny

We women have to stick together.

Chelsea Handler

sticks together

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

Chelsea Handler

ex-boyfriend dog funny

I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.

Chelsea Handler

pregnancy baby people

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler

humor drinking funny

I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.

Chelsea Handler

sweet mean thinking

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.

Chelsea Handler

suvs brother father

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

Chelsea Handler

embarrassing ifs dirty