To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

Eugene Mirman

Categorized in : Night Knowing Apples

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Eugene Mirman

fathers-day dad baby

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

Eugene Mirman

kids people thinking

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?

Eugene Mirman

eye dark ideas

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

Eugene Mirman

growing-up dog years

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.

Eugene Mirman

dating girl animal

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

Eugene Mirman

phones summer winter

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Eugene Mirman

underwear people thinking

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

Eugene Mirman

pretending retarded treasure

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).

Eugene Mirman

eye waiting moving

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

Eugene Mirman

play lying thinking

There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.

Eugene Mirman

america ideas thinking

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

Eugene Mirman

economic saving talking

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Eugene Mirman

love two people

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

Eugene Mirman

thinking

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.

Eugene Mirman

bully home children

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

Eugene Mirman

girl baby sex

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'

Eugene Mirman

butterfly hurt children

Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.

Eugene Mirman

alternatives space people

I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.

Eugene Mirman

rocks guitar play

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

Eugene Mirman

overwhelming giving needs