A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.' Gilbert Gottfried More Quotes by Gilbert Gottfried More Quotes From Gilbert Gottfried The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. Gilbert Gottfried comedian given pressure Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I'd imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, 'What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.' Gilbert Gottfried back-when comedian clubs You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell. Gilbert Gottfried hell accepting theory If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me. Gilbert Gottfried parrots nice wanted You can say "ass," but you can't say "asshole." That's why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an "ass." Unless you're British, calling someone an ass really doesn't work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag. Gilbert Gottfried tv-shows calling character I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life. Gilbert Gottfried trying I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood. Gilbert Gottfried childhood feet class The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport. Gilbert Gottfried hurt sports people People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing. Gilbert Gottfried comedy important people I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time. Gilbert Gottfried percent calendars wanted If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue. Gilbert Gottfried agree ifs arguing I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.” Gilbert Gottfried splits floating girlfriend With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like 'The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club. Gilbert Gottfried crazy zoos morning I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families. Gilbert Gottfried disrespect japan tragedy Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them. Gilbert Gottfried japan beach Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out. Gilbert Gottfried parrots jew play I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashians divorce before she did. Gilbert Gottfried divorce winter world I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist. Gilbert Gottfried philanthropist looks In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian. Gilbert Gottfried real-life real christian There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows. Gilbert Gottfried exposure shows reality
