And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it. Christopher Titus More Quotes by Christopher Titus More Quotes From Christopher Titus Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter. Christopher Titus babysitter seven dollars If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. Christopher Titus racism men looks Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, I don't want to cut the lawn. Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers. Christopher Titus dad dream teacher And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down. Christopher Titus smart daughter kids Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. Christopher Titus cactus texas men How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions. Christopher Titus respect church helping Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded. Christopher Titus pope-john-paul john-paul pope Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change. Christopher Titus divorce change needs Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die? Christopher Titus careers looks school Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them! Christopher Titus dad revenge heart We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A. Christopher Titus my-family home people They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad. Christopher Titus dad battle mom My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium. Christopher Titus alcoholics-anonymous mother father Step up or step aside. Christopher Titus step-up steps I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available. Christopher Titus junk presidential thinking If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard. Christopher Titus keys moon moving Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind. Christopher Titus dad powerful hurt How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon. Christopher Titus crazy mom taken The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman. Christopher Titus yearbook fireman Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out. Christopher Titus shakers noise laughing
