Anything that I wanted to do in my career that I wanted to do always worked out. The stuff I got talked into always failed. All the stuff I was talked into, by brilliant managers, because it always came down to, "Know how much money you'll make?" And then it would just fail.

Andrew Dice Clay

Categorized in : Stuff Careers Brilliant

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids... her uterus fell out!

Andrew Dice Clay

uterus shoes kids

Women today leave the house in animal prints and six inch stilettos, what does that say? I'm going to church? They're saying I want you to hang me by my tits from your ceiling and bite my ass. You know what I mean? That's what it says to me anyway.

Andrew Dice Clay

house animal mean

If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.

Andrew Dice Clay

fishes smell dishes

Little Boy Blue... he needed the money!

Andrew Dice Clay

blue littles boys

When you jerk off, you're saying "Hey", I care about me.

Andrew Dice Clay

hey jerk care

Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?

Andrew Dice Clay

kissing men thinking

Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.

Andrew Dice Clay

life-is-like baby sex

I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.

Andrew Dice Clay

girlfriend husband mean

I always wanted to give people the more exciting version of what I think a comedian should be - because I didn't grow up with comics, I grew up with rock 'n' roll. And when I saw a lot of comics, no matter how good they might have been material-wise, I would get a little bored with them after 10 minutes, only because I feel comedians don't really know performance.

Andrew Dice Clay

growing-up wise thinking

I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.

Andrew Dice Clay

gay football sex

Whether you're gay, straight, you can't tell anybody who to love and who to marry. It's unconstitutional and it's morally wrong.

Andrew Dice Clay

unconstitutional gay

By the time kids are 15, they're drunks and they're drug addicts and they're getting chicks pregnant. The parents wonder, "What did I do wrong?" What you did wrong was, you were never there. You had the kid as a status symbol, that's what went wrong. And you're paying the price for it.

Andrew Dice Clay

drug parent kids

I lived in Beverly Hills for years. I always had a line, “I hate the rich.” From what I witnessed after living there for 15 years, these people just don’t raise their kids. I used to see the lineup of cars in front of the schools and it was all the nannies.

Andrew Dice Clay

hate kids school

If you hide what you really are, then there's going to be problems in marriage down the road. I don't mind if a girl is aggressive. It's just sex.

Andrew Dice Clay

girl mind sex

I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it's my way of saying what's going on in the world. How people are animals, really.

Andrew Dice Clay

animal people world

I'll always push myself because that's the journey of life. We do go through things. Some of it's incredibly great and some of it's really bad.

Andrew Dice Clay

life-journey journey

I always just loved women, but more important than loving women, more important than sexual stuff, is I always believed in romance.

Andrew Dice Clay

romance important stuff

You gotta be happy when you wake up in the morning and look at what's next to ya. You wanna just hop on it again. That's how I feel. That's what life is about. Because when you leave the house, it's all misery anyway.

Andrew Dice Clay

house morning looks

I think that a lot of men, especially once they're married, feel like their girl is just who she is, so don't treat her too special. They shut her off, and having sex before you go to bed is like a sleeping pill. I always say, you're supposed to remember the reason you even asked that girl out.

Andrew Dice Clay

girl sleep sex

I've been getting in trouble my whole life and I really don't care what anybody thinks of what I do on stage as a comic.

Andrew Dice Clay

care trouble thinking