Being in touch with our bodies, or more accurately, being our bodies, is how we know what is true. Harriet Harriet Lerner More Quotes by Harriet Lerner More Quotes From Harriet Lerner The first world we find ourselves in is a family that is not of our choosing. Harriet Lerner familyworldfirsts We're vulnerable to repeating history, especially if we don't know what's driving us. For example, it may be a family tradition to marry someone with addiction problems, or who is an injured bird in need of caretaking. Or, you may be drawn to guys who remind you of your distant, unavailable father -- or your ill-tempered mother -- with the unconscious belief that you can take an old story, and through the power of your love, give it a new, happy ending. Harriet Lerner mothergivingfather Often when someone apologizes - like a parent who says to a child, "I'm very sorry I neglected you when you were a kid" - they also ask, "Do you forgive me?," because they want the other person to be over it. However, healing can take a great deal of time. And if we forgive too quickly, we cut the process short. Harriet Lerner healingsorrychildren While women once acquired relationship skills to "hook," "snare," or "catch" a husband who would provide access to economic security and social status, the position of contemporary women has not changed that radically. Much of our success still depends on our attunement to "male culture," our ability to please men, and our readiness to conform to the masculine values of our institutions. Harriet Lerner womenhusbandskills We all fear change, even as we seek it. Harriet Lerner change Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to stop trying to be helpful. Harriet Lerner helpfultryingsometimes Telling a true story about personal experience is not just a matter of being oneself, or even or finding oneself. It is also a matter of choosing oneself. Harriet Lerner storytellingmatterstories We commonly confuse closeness with sameness and view intimacy as the merging of two separate I's into one worldview. Harriet Lerner intimacyviewstwo You can't evaluate a prospective partner if you insulate your relationship from your family and friends--and his. Harriet Lerner our-relationshipfamily-and-friendspartners Nothing you say can ensure that the other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold of deafness. Harriet Lerner wantmayway Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats. Harriet Lerner womenexpressionlong The more we seek exclusivity in friendship, the more it becomes obligatory and the less likely it is to fulfill the wonderful vision of what true friendship can be. Harriet Lerner true-friendvisionfriendship Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others. . . .If, however, we do not use our anger to define ourselves clearly in every important relationship we are in--and manage our feelings as they arise--no one else will assume this responsibility for us. Harriet Lerner angerresponsibilityself the body, seeking truth, sends a signal. But decoding it, interpreting its meaning, and knowing how to proceed from there is another matter entirely. Harriet Lerner communicationbodyknowing Women are raised to be the nurturers and steadiers of rocked boats, to hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it. But it shores up your own dignity and integrity if you're able to say, "There are a million things I love about you, and I want our relationship to continue. I forgive you 95 percent, but not this 5 percent." Harriet Lerner dignityforgivingintegrity Kids want nothing more than for all the important adults in their life to get along. Harriet Lerner adultsimportantkids It is an act of courage to acknowledge our own uncertainty and sit with it for a while. Harriet Lerner acts-of-courageacknowledgecourage The happiest people are focused on living their own life (not someone else's) as well as possible. Harriet Lerner focusedwellspeople The strongest relationships are between two people who can live without each other but don't want to. Harriet Lerner wanttwopeople Relationships are most likely to fail when we don't address problems or hold our partner accountable for unfair or irresponsible behavior ... the ability to clarify our values, beliefs, and life goals--and then to keep our behavior congruent with them--is at the heart of a solid marriage. Harriet Lerner addressesgoalheart
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