Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form. Craig Ferguson form done art Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it. Craig Ferguson chance feels There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles. Craig Ferguson aromatherapy hard-work spiritual Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia. Craig Ferguson wikipedia today ideas They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel. Craig Ferguson teach-a-man-to-fish discovery men I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view. Craig Ferguson point-of-view drunk views If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that. Craig Ferguson ifs sorry knows I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me. Craig Ferguson entertaining politician politics My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year. Craig Ferguson rain country father Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country. Craig Ferguson girl country sex North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran. Craig Ferguson korea iran white The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.' Craig Ferguson marijuana california firsts Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to 'you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.' Craig Ferguson marijuana powerful fighting Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is. Craig Ferguson georgia adorable campaigns Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer. Craig Ferguson pirate evil war From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. Craig Ferguson alcatraz wall america In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States. Craig Ferguson friday police cutting The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff. Craig Ferguson differences dumb stories I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream. Craig Ferguson sour tacos court According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email. Craig Ferguson email reading safe
