CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me. Andy Kindler More Quotes by Andy Kindler More Quotes From Andy Kindler George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges. Andy Kindler doe I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? 'My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.' Mission accomplished. Andy Kindler creativity sarcastic class Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over. Andy Kindler choices two sex You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains. Andy Kindler rights drinking people Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage. Andy Kindler realizing rage stuff Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener. Andy Kindler invention Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel. Andy Kindler comedy awards made I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis. Andy Kindler diagnosis training knows I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence. Andy Kindler confidence insecurity knows I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character. Andy Kindler acting jobs character Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life. Andy Kindler clean felt I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'. Andy Kindler comedian believe book People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie? Andy Kindler pie giving people I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me. Andy Kindler nastiness tvs Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole. Andy Kindler bills practice kids I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment. Andy Kindler ferguson laughing thinking Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone! Andy Kindler bells telephones firsts Milk should be refrigerated even before opening. Andy Kindler opening milk should BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles. Andy Kindler graduates perseverance awards Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery. Andy Kindler hips pockets months
