Jen Kirkman: [Congress] can just make [Mitt] Romney president. And we'...

There have been many times in my life where I got opportunities that I never thought would be the things that I needed, so I'm always saying, "I want to do this but whatever the universe thinks is right, I'm open." Because otherwise it causes me so much pain if I don't get what I want. It's my least favorite thing.

Jen Kirkman

pain opportunity thinking

I just remember a creepy sex-ed teacher putting a banana on a condom and then saying, "It goes in the girl if she gets all juicy." We didn't even believe it. We were like, "Well, that's weird."

Jen Kirkman

girl teacher sex

People said to me, "You know, when you record a special, you're going to regret it. The one thing you'll regret because you're a comic is you'll think of better tags."

Jen Kirkman

special-you regret thinking

I'm the queen of outside speakers.

Jen Kirkman

speakers queens

I finally understand that it’s okay to be a little afraid of things but that obsessing over them does not mean you have any more control over what you fear.

Jen Kirkman

doe littles mean

Let's say I was like, "I'm going to write a book this year," which I'm not. Let's just say that was it. Then it would be for the joy of writing it. It wouldn't be like, "And it's going to be No. 1 and I'm going to get rich and go on a book tour and own a library." I don't know the difference between doing what I normally do and making a resolution. And if it doesn't happen, then I'm going to be miserable.

Jen Kirkman

differences writing book

Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.

Jen Kirkman

college golf retirement

I always try to be open to whatever the universe wants from me.

Jen Kirkman

universe want trying

I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.

Jen Kirkman

population looks needs

I find it actually the height of romance to legally bind yourself to someone because you're really taking care of someone, and letting them take care of you. I actually have no cynicism about that.

Jen Kirkman

height romance care

I am just really focused in on what I love doing, but I would be a moron to not take some of my natural talent - I'm not saying I'm that talented, but I have enough acting and writing talent to go.

Jen Kirkman

natural-talent acting writing

[Twitter] is not totally where I go anymore to sell myself as a concept, as a comedian, because it moves too fast.

Jen Kirkman

sells comedian moving

What I found out about myself was I am not someone who doesn't believe in marriage.

Jen Kirkman

found believe

My brain does like the idea of hosting a late-night show. My brain does like the idea of maybe having a show about me. So, I often pitch ideas and work on scripts and do that just because I may not be right about how I feel, so why not just do this, and if it happens and I got my own show, well maybe I would really end up falling in love with it.

Jen Kirkman

falling-in-love night ideas

I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, "This is the best way for people to find out about me.

Jen Kirkman

albums people way

You never know anymore if you'll see something you don't want to see, if you're jealous of something, if you're going through a breakup and you see something, so I just don't even look at those things any more [ in Instagram].

Jen Kirkman

instagram jealous breakup

I don't want to have kids and so I am not going to have kids. People who want kids are going to have kids. I'm doing what I want to do and people who want kids are doing what they want to do. What about this scenario makes me selfish?

Jen Kirkman

selfish kids people

Its almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs.

Jen Kirkman

groups use jobs

I'm tired of explaining to Hollywood that people would laugh at me, because I go around America making them laugh every week. Nobody would be offended, nobody would think my leather pants are too controversial.

Jen Kirkman

leather-pants tired thinking

I'm just going to go to schools and give inspirational speeches about our bodies. I'll just wear flowing dresses and talk way quieter than I can.

Jen Kirkman

dresses giving school

[Congress] can just make [Mitt] Romney president. And we'd be like, "All right, fine."