Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern. David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.' David Letterman honesttonightlooks Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter. David Letterman eightlaughternumbers Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.' David Letterman campaignshairworld Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food. David Letterman chineseshadowdoubt Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can. David Letterman programtonightlittles They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls. David Letterman fakewhitehouse Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID. David Letterman squarescitiesnew-york You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge? David Letterman beerlostamerica Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.' David Letterman back-whenprogramtelevision Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day. David Letterman finalslabor-dayrain Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of 'The Sunshine Boys' with Jay Leno. David Letterman sunshineworryboys When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.' David Letterman halfprayerpeople Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house. David Letterman mothermovingthinking Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here. David Letterman wifepresidentrunning I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs. David Letterman sleepfootballfall Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants. David Letterman yogapresidentnight By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her. David Letterman presidentmistakerunning The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like. David Letterman maxmadplay Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear. David Letterman hopefulpresidentialtwo Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.' David Letterman billstonightnext-week
