Don't thank your parents. If you were raised in a nurturing environment, you wouldn't be in show business. Don't say, 'Wow, this is heavy.' Of course it's heavy. It contains the shattered dreams of four other people. Conan O'Brien More Quotes by Conan O'Brien More Quotes From Conan O'Brien A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die. Conan O'Brien cancercatdog A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote. Conan O'Brien presidentialvoterspeople I hear YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are merging to form a super Social Media site - YouTwitFace. Conan O'Brien sitemediasocial Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor. Conan O'Brien pillsflavorexercise Nobody knows really what they're doing and there's two ways to go with that information. One is to be afraid and the other is to be liberated, and I choose to be liberated by it. Conan O'Brien informationtwoway Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It's helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year. Conan O'Brien pageswantyears Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush. Conan O'Brien brushespresidentbook A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors. Conan O'Brien sorrykidsart People are already talking about the next presidential election. There's stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech, a prominent Democrat said that Hillary Clinton should not run because she can't win. Immediately after the speech, Hillary told her husband to shut up. Conan O'Brien husbandwinningrunning Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over. Conan O'Brien uniquemistakefall To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside. Conan O'Brien circlesmoonwhite Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again. Conan O'Brien underwearpaintwhite The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. Conan O'Brien originalitygainsdisappointment Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, 'I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.' Conan O'Brien usamissingbelieve For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable. Conan O'Brien fdavegetablesfirsts All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. Conan O'Brien hatehappinesspeople I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops. Conan O'Brien mediapeoplethinking Though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Conan O'Brien should Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness. Conan O'Brien atheistheavenreligion Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win. Conan O'Brien winningrunningfun
