For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

Darynda Jones

Categorized in : Firsts Real Guy

No, no, no, no, no. Anything but murder. Or rape. Or kidnapping. Or armed robbery. Or indecent exposure, ’cause that’s just creepy.

murder creepy causes

Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.

gadgets balance body

Felt my heartbeat falter, hesitate, then stumble awkwardly forward, tripping on the next beat, then the next, faster and faster until each one tumbled into the other like the drumroll of dominoes crashing together. Funny how time stands still when death is imminent.

tripping next together

It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop. by Darynda Jones

It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop.

fall

Dead people I could handle. They were usually beyond hysteria. This was the people-left behind part. The hard part.

left-behind hysteria people

He said you sparkle like a newborn galaxy and have more attitude than a rich kid with his daddy's Porsche.

daddy attitude kids

I could be irksome when I put my left ventricle into it. by Darynda Jones

I could be irksome when I put my left ventricle into it.

left

This guy in high school tried to run me over with his dad’s SUV. Bad shoved the vehicle through a store window.” The memory brought a smile to my face.

dad running memories

Is it just me or does the fact that you live in the same building you were abducted into seem a bit morbid?" "Pffft. It’s just you," I said, discounting the entire bizarre ghoulish thing.

morbid doe facts

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He total... by Darynda Jones

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

hate running doors

She's like a hurricane on crystal meth. by Darynda Jones

She's like a hurricane on crystal meth.

crystal-meth hurricanes crystals

I have three words for you," EMT Guy said. "Possible internal bleeding." I turned back to him. "Don't you think if I was bleeding internally, I'd know somewhere deep inside? Like, internally?

three guy thinking

Genius has its limitations. Insanity...not so much" -Bumper Stick... by Darynda Jones

Genius has its limitations. Insanity...not so much" -Bumper Sticker

bumper-sticker genius insanity

If I couldn't be a good example, I'd just have to be a horrible w... by Darynda Jones

If I couldn't be a good example, I'd just have to be a horrible warning.

dance example inspirational

Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.

training anger class

Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing. And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.

want giving men

Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her.... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.

halloween recognition government

Just in case, though, I stormed into my apartment, tossed a quick hello to Mr. Wong, then rummaged through my entertainment center to lay out all my exorcism equipment. I kept it in my entertainment center because exorcisms were nothing if not entertaining.

exorcism hello entertainment

His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.

romance reading fire

Where you just possessed?" Cookie asked after a long moment, awe softening her voice. "'Cause let me tell you, sweetheart, if that was possession, I'm selling my soul.

voice soul long