He's with Melania and I'm with my wife at the time, Shelby Roos, who's a political consultant, and he said to me, oh my gosh, you married up in the world. And he goes, Roseanne was disgusting. And he said that to me out of the blue. Like, you know what, no matter what kind of divorce you had, that's a weird thing to say.

Tom Arnold

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Environmentalists have a very conflicted relationship with their... by Tom Arnold

Environmentalists have a very conflicted relationship with their cars.

environmentalist conflict car

Dating is so insecure. My last relationship, I was always there for her and she dumped me. I told her about it. I said, "Remember when your grandma died? I was there. Remember when you flunked out of school? I was there. Remember when you lost your job? I was there!" She said, "I know

grandma jobs school

Women; can't live with em, can't kill em by Tom Arnold

Women; can't live with em, can't kill em

Any time your head explodes, that's not a good situation. by Tom Arnold

Any time your head explodes, that's not a good situation.

My wife's nagging is like living near the airport. After a while... by Tom Arnold

My wife's nagging is like living near the airport. After a while you don't notice it any more.

airports wife love

The difference between one man and another is not mere ability...... by Tom Arnold

The difference between one man and another is not mere ability... it is energy.

differences energy men

People still question my sobriety, my commitment to the program, and that hurts. I take things day by day, and sometimes I take them minute by minute, but I honor my commitment to stay sober.

hurt inspirational commitment

If you're spending a lot of time in the writers' room and then you're also acting, you have your foot in both of those doors. I'd always say to the writers, "You can say whatever you want about your boss in front of me. I'm not going to think about it as my girlfriend." You've got to be able to trash your boss, in any job.

boss girlfriend thinking

Hey, Warren, the Raiders signed you to a seven-year deal. I guess Bill Callahan was right - they are the dumbest team in America.

team football years

Kids; 10 seconds of joy, 30 years of misery by Tom Arnold

Kids; 10 seconds of joy, 30 years of misery

If one might wish for impossibilities, I might then wish that my children might be well versed in physical science, but in due subordination to the fulness and freshness of their knowledge on moral subjects. ... Rather than have it the principal thing in my son's mind, I would gladly have him think that the sun went round the earth, and that the stars were so many spangles set in the bright blue firmament.

stars science children

I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quite football.

tests drug football

When you work with your wife you really have no "me" time, or place to get away and be with the guys, because you're at work all day together, and then you're at home, and you have this other public life.

It's pretty lonely and sad to be single. Every night was the same for me, I'd go home and curl up in bed with my favorite book. Well, actually it was a magazine.

lonely home book

There are people who believe once somebody gets you a job in show business you are set and the truth is you have to fight for every job. People opened the doors for me for sure and hopefully I've helped open the door for some people but when you're there it's on you and you better be ready for it.

fighting jobs believe

The misconception about Hollywood is that it's a crazy drug and alcohol fueled place. It can be but there's also a huge sober community.

alcohol community crazy

If you want to make a substantial reduction in your carbon footprint, doing it on your own is virtually impossible, especially if you're driving a car. Here are tools available in the marketplace, enabling our customers to have this conversation.

carbon-footprint enabling tools

The nature of show business is people within the business feel that if someone else fails, they move up a notch.

failing people moving

To the extent that movies get released, they are generally not big box-office generators. Hollywood is clearly focusing on their holiday releases coming up and those will either make or break the year.

holiday office years

You are going to prison, i don't know exactly how long, but you have manned up and you're going to go to prison. And you could've gotten a pardon.