Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA. David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. David Letterman paris iraq thinking Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. David Letterman body running littles Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show. David Letterman santa upset thinking At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7. David Letterman waiting-in-line apples iphone A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf? David Letterman drunk waiting golf You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester. David Letterman korea circles evil George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections. David Letterman guy mean thinking I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound. David Letterman central-park sparrows robins New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes. David Letterman cities new-york mean Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I. David Letterman valentine flower problem According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead. David Letterman differences wish people Labour day is a great American holiday that people David Letterman holiday buying people I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. David Letterman red boys ideas BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders. David Letterman oil-spill oil bird Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate. David Letterman presidential birth sorry Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany? David Letterman guy giving country Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century. David Letterman labor-laws men children Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard. David Letterman iraq comedy names The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river. David Letterman dancing rivers lying You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il. David Letterman kim brother
