I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes. Felipe Esparza More Quotes by Felipe Esparza More Quotes From Felipe Esparza I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody. Felipe Esparza shirts body light I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees. Felipe Esparza degrees dad home The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran. Felipe Esparza cousin car police I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion. Felipe Esparza mountain weight baby I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist. Felipe Esparza neighbor watches thinking I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support. Felipe Esparza husband mom children Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom. Felipe Esparza lawyer mom people Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly. Felipe Esparza halloween hot beer I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand. Felipe Esparza car drug hands The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there. Felipe Esparza mexico iraq war I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards. Felipe Esparza envy people looks I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn't know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks! Felipe Esparza sibling real kids Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact. Felipe Esparza gay eye wrestling A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day. Felipe Esparza real men needs I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too. Felipe Esparza weekend fighting drinking I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us. Felipe Esparza mexico growing-up dad If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American. Felipe Esparza fats brother might I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage. Felipe Esparza comedian hate use I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you. Felipe Esparza mom brother fun You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again. Felipe Esparza next-day home writing
