I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it. Eugene Mirman More Quotes by Eugene Mirman More Quotes From Eugene Mirman You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate. Eugene Mirman gatesgatewaysdrug Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love? Eugene Mirman hatesquaresroots On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale. Eugene Mirman punkapplesuse Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar. Eugene Mirman burglarsbaby The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages. Eugene Mirman massageairportsgiving Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it. Eugene Mirman lonelymeansex In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.' Eugene Mirman funny-graduationtalkingdirty I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word. Eugene Mirman tossifs There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience. Eugene Mirman oddsillythinking High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights. Eugene Mirman paingirlfather On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great. Eugene Mirman arrogantsidesarguing Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk. Eugene Mirman hegeldrunkthinking It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note. Eugene Mirman divorcejobspeople Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls. Eugene Mirman stupiddreampeople Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right. Eugene Mirman sportswrestlingsex A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness). Eugene Mirman bullshitcomedianmedicine Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy. Eugene Mirman qualifiedkeyseasy
