I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin! Dane Cook More Quotes by Dane Cook More Quotes From Dane Cook Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time. Dane Cook taxi-cabs drinking thinking Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity. Dane Cook mind winning insanity When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you. Dane Cook littles fun people When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not Dane Cook shirts t-shirt want I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground. Dane Cook summer golf jobs Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit! Dane Cook great-relationship littles sometimes What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens. Dane Cook dies atheist happens I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby. Dane Cook elderly dog baby I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such. Dane Cook psychology watches people I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers. Dane Cook hopeful have-faith people You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky. Dane Cook distance light sky I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off." Dane Cook adorable husband gun You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act. Dane Cook stories directors people When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love. Dane Cook bags falling-in-love people Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'. Dane Cook angel morning beautiful Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling. Dane Cook turtles nuts games I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance. Dane Cook creativity brain love-is Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes. Dane Cook clubs people interesting It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes. Dane Cook home night thinking Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day. Dane Cook being-in-love valentines-day lonely
