I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work. Christopher Titus More Quotes by Christopher Titus More Quotes From Christopher Titus Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same. Christopher Titus one-thing racist racism The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland! Christopher Titus damn-you united-states tests We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different. Christopher Titus vain down-and different I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized. Christopher Titus middle nuts sides The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts! Christopher Titus dad voice nice Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human. Christopher Titus night boys years Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater. Christopher Titus fire water people My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now? Christopher Titus block dad father So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person. Christopher Titus car jobs people Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?! Christopher Titus three pigs two Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. Christopher Titus dollars mind giving Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder! Christopher Titus cant-trust-anyone hardship sorry Born free. Taxed to death. Christopher Titus philosophical born philosophy We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse. Christopher Titus philosophical philosophy world The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..." Christopher Titus turkeys government philosophy
