I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act. Andy Kindler More Quotes by Andy Kindler More Quotes From Andy Kindler I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly. Andy Kindler convincewizardsshows I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame. Andy Kindler careerscharacterbelieve I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust. Andy Kindler pretendingholocaustsorry Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny. Andy Kindler adamifs Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau. Andy Kindler yearsmovingthinking They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike. Andy Kindler bootswarpeople Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out. Andy Kindler housewatchespeople Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money. Andy Kindler doctorschristianjobs I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory. Andy Kindler conspiracyrealbelieve Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest. Andy Kindler parks-and-recentertainmenttvs If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it. Andy Kindler believejesusthinking I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar. Andy Kindler hoursyearsfirsts I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me. Andy Kindler bisexualsummerweather I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done. Andy Kindler mitzvahbarsdone My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle. Andy Kindler kevinvehiclecat Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work. Andy Kindler comedydoeyears I was recently voted best standup never to win a major. Andy Kindler majorswinning President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal. Andy Kindler guydreammen I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'? Andy Kindler californiavoicecities My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there. Andy Kindler fightingblowrunning
