I have learned that newborn infants roll their eyes around and move their heads and their arms in short jerky spasms. And if you homeschool them, they will stay this way forever. John Hodgman More Quotes by John Hodgman More Quotes From John Hodgman Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the Earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them. John Hodgman earthbusythinking All I can ask from society is that it please stop telling me why I should like sports. John Hodgman pleaseshouldsports I actually own a copy of my own book; that's how dedicated I am as an author. John Hodgman dedicatedcopiesbook For many years, people would say, "Only child? Must have been terrible," and I wanted to say, "You are mentally ill, because it was the greatest." You got all the attention. You never had to share anything. No one ever ate your food. No one ever took your toys. But the unintended consequence was that I didn't appreciate that being universally loved was not only not required for happiness, but also not possible. John Hodgman appreciatechildrenpeople Here's the thing: I am not only a creature of civilization, I'm an asthmatic person. I will only live so long as I have stockpiled the proper inhalers. I'm effectively a cyborg. You know how in Jurassic Park, they bred those dinosaurs with the lysine deficiencies, so if they ever got off the island, they'd die? That's me. John Hodgman islandscivilizationlong A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime. John Hodgman sundialsclockused I don't know if you've ever been shoved into the bow of a nutshell pram, a boat that is very easily almost liftable with one hand, and quite tippy, and is being piloted by a 12-year-old, but it is the true feeling of having your life in someone else's hands, and it's very precarious. John Hodgman true-feelingsboatfeelings My favorite season is autumn, and Maine is lovely for that reason. In Maine, autumn begins on July 29. That's when you start building a fire in the fireplace and the leaves literally start falling from the trees. It is a cold and rugged and a beautiful place that reminds you with its many death traps - its painfully cold oceans, its sharp, jagged beaches, and perilous cliffsides - that nature doesn't care whether you live or die. John Hodgman beautifulbeachfall There is no ritual that enhances creativity other than just starting. John Hodgman ritualstartingcreativity A literary agent is nothing but a cheap salesman (or woman); while a writer is a cheap salesman (or woman) who also has to actually write the books. John Hodgman agentswritingbook John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald meet in hell and team up to assassinate Satan. John Hodgman john-wilkes-boothsatanteam I have no skills. I mean, I can make jokes, I'm pretty good at talking to people on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I can figure out what makes a pretty good story, and I can make eggs really well. John Hodgman skillstalkingmean We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth. John Hodgman teethkeyboardsmedia You know the old saying: "History is written by the winners. And also, the team of hand-picked historians that the winner keeps hidden away in an underground bunker". John Hodgman winnerteamhands My career as a magazine writer was largely prefaced on the idea of curiosity, to go on adventures and weasel my way into the lives of people that I admire. John Hodgman careersadventureideas So I am a product of the Internet, and to some degree a product of this sensibility of constant cultural reference. John Hodgman constantinternetdegrees My type of humor is me not caring whether people know what I'm talking about or not. John Hodgman caringtalkingpeople I am not an Internet superstar. John Hodgman superstarinternet I know nothing about letting go. John Hodgman knowsletting-go The fact is I'm very self-similar. John Hodgman selffacts
