I haven't been on a date in awhile. I went on maybe two dates in my whole life. Jimmy Fallon More Quotes by Jimmy Fallon More Quotes From Jimmy Fallon When I was a kid, you would tune in to "The Tonight Show" before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it's a privilege of mine to be able to be in people's homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this. Jimmy Fallon sleepjobskids A new study found that Americans are exercising more than ever but still not losing much weight. Not good in fact, it's all I could think about on my jog to Dunkin' Donuts. Jimmy Fallon weightexercisethinking President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, 'Oh, you'll see.' Jimmy Fallon construction-workersbeerjobs Today, Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that a firehouse isn't a house where you get to fire people. Jimmy Fallon citiesnew-yorkfire The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does. Jimmy Fallon powerfuldoepeople Ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago. Jimmy Fallon baggagedrugchicago Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.' Jimmy Fallon christinewitchopponents Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one. Jimmy Fallon conanknow-howland In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders. Jimmy Fallon kentuckymilitaryfire A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage. Jimmy Fallon divorceweightmen Thank you 'adults who wear back packs' for letting me know that I don't have to take you seriously Jimmy Fallon packsadultsknows It's all about the script. Reality is key to me and less cutesy. Jimmy Fallon scriptskeysreality Anything I learned was just work hard, just keep working and don't worry about the outside stuff. Whatever happens will happen. Jimmy Fallon hard-workworrystuff Live your life by doing activities that are beneficial Jimmy Fallon activitylive-your-lifebeneficial In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.' Jimmy Fallon gunpresidentchildren When you have a baby, sleep is not an option. You can't sleep. Even on vacation, you wake up at 6:30 a.m. Jimmy Fallon dadsleepbaby God invented mankind because he loved silly stories. Ralph Steadman I like being absurd. Jimmy Fallon laughterstoriessilly I never sing in the shower. It's very dangerous. Jimmy Fallon dangerousshowers Former New York Governor George Pataki may enter the race for president. It's not definite, but he tweeted that he'll announce his 2016 plans on May 28 in New Hampshire. Well, what's he gonna do, go to New Hampshire to say he's NOT running? That's like getting down on one knee and saying, 'I think it's time to see other people.' Jimmy Fallon new-yorkrunningthinking A group called Draft Biden 2016 has started selling bumper stickers that say 'I'm ridin' with Biden.' It's a lot better than the other one that women around the White House have started using - 'I'm hidin' from Biden.' Jimmy Fallon groupswhitehouse
