I learned to glitter the pumpkins for Halloween not because I went into it thinking, 'I'm going to glitter some pumpkins!' No. I bought all of these big, cold, slimy, disgusting pumpkins and tried to carve them, and it was gross, so I had to find something else to do with them. Glitter was life-changing.

Jen Lancaster

Categorized in : Something Find Thinking Cold

The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously. Do I miss the package I came in at 25? I do. Gravity is no one's friend. Yet the perspective I've gained is so worth the wear and tear. What would have mortified me at 25 is now simply fodder for a funny, relatable story. Also? I was a waitress at 25, and now I'm an author. Forty-five is definitely better.

Jen Lancaster

perspective tears missing

I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.

Jen Lancaster

keys self thinking

I'm the person who says every single thing she thinks, sometimes to others' amusement, and almost always to my detriment.

Jen Lancaster

amusement sometimes thinking

I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.

Jen Lancaster

depth path needs

I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. Story of my life.

Jen Lancaster

quitting ends stories

Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of ten thousand suns. So when I walk - nay, crawl - out of here at the end of my workouts, I want to lull myself to sleep by picturing my very talented and inspirational trainer getting hit by a bus. A bus that I am driving.

Jen Lancaster

workout hate sleep

Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.

Jen Lancaster

mind

No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.

Jen Lancaster

choices taken believe

I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.

Jen Lancaster

careers couple children

For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.

Jen Lancaster

records baby believe

I’m busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn’t even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.

Jen Lancaster

accessories style offering

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

Jen Lancaster

ambien salad might

Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

Jen Lancaster

owning-a-dog cracks dog

Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.

Jen Lancaster

girl simple hands

Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda. Maybe you're just you.

Jen Lancaster

samantha miranda charlotte

Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.

Jen Lancaster

nice dark running

I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

Jen Lancaster

clever writing jobs

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

Jen Lancaster

bucks chocolate heart

You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

Jen Lancaster

walks thinking

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

Jen Lancaster

party fitness thinking