I'm 38 and I'm single, and I'm having my most intense and gratifying relationship with a dog. But we all learn about love in different ways, and this way happens to be mine. Caroline Knapp More Quotes by Caroline Knapp More Quotes From Caroline Knapp Why do I find the fantasy - husband, family, kids - exhausting instead of alluring? Is there something wrong with me? Do I have a life? Caroline Knapp fantasy husband kids When I drank, the part that felt dangerous and needy grew bright and strong and real. The part that coveted love kicked into gear. The yes grew louder than the no. Caroline Knapp alcohol strong real On the broad spectrum of solitude, I lean toward the extreme end: I work alone, as well as live alone, so I can pass an entire day without uttering so much as a hello to another human being. Sometimes a day's conversation consists of only five words, uttered at the local Starbucks: 'Large coffee with milk, please. Caroline Knapp milk coffee solitude For years, I ate the same foods every day, in exactly the same manner, at exactly the same times. Caroline Knapp years I am shy by nature, a person who's always found something burdensome about human interaction and who probably always will, at least to some degree. Caroline Knapp degrees shy found The key, I suppose, has less to do with insight than with willingness, the former being relatively useless without the latter. Caroline Knapp latter useless keys Solitude is a breeding ground for idiosyncrasy, and I relish that about it, the way it liberates whim. Caroline Knapp breeding solitude way Me, I walk along and feel quietly defensive, a recluse in the Land of We. That's quite the loaded word, 'we. Caroline Knapp recluse walks land When you love somebody, or something, its amazing how willing you are to overlook the flaws. Caroline Knapp willing flaws Passivity is corrosive to the soul; it feeds on feelings of integrity and pride, and it can be as tempting as a drug. Caroline Knapp passivity-is pride integrity But then the wine came, one glass and then a second glass. And somewhere during that second drink, the switch was flipped. The wine gave me a melting feeling, a warm light sensation in my head, and I felt like safety itself had arrived in that glass, poured out from the bottle and allowed to spill out between us. Caroline Knapp glasses wine light Cats ... are like four-legged poster children for OCD. Caroline Knapp four cat children Was he smart enough? Introspective enough? Was it just enough to love him, or should I attach myself to someone who seemed farther ahead of me, someone smarter and more ambitious than me, who'd be sure to carry me along into the version of adulthood I thought I should be striving for? Caroline Knapp ambitious smart enough Our culture thrives on black-and-white narratives, clearly defined emotions, easy endings, and so, this thrust into complexity exhausts. Caroline Knapp black-and-white narrative culture Smooth and ordered on the outside; roiling and chaotic and desperately secretive underneath, but not noticeably so, never noticeably so. Caroline Knapp secretive chaotic smooth These are big trade-offs for a simple piece of cake - add five hundred calories, subtract well-being, allure, and self-esteem - and the feelings behind them are anything but vain or shallow. Caroline Knapp behind cake simple feelings The kinds of roles dogs fill can be hard to come by in human relationships. We touch the dog or the pet at whim. There is a lack of self-consciousness and a fluidity to it that is absent from most human relationships. If someone acted that way to you, you'd feel claustrophobic pretty quickly. It's a boundary violation. Caroline Knapp feel you pet dog When you study a dog you love, you find beauty in every small detail, and so it is with Lucille: I have become enchanted by the small asymmetrical whorls of white fur on either side of her chest, and by her tail, which she carries in a high confident curve, and by her eyes, which are watchful and intelligent, the color of chestnuts. Caroline Knapp eyes dog beauty love I go to a restaurant with a group of women and pray that we can order lunch without falling into the semi-covert business of collective monitoring, in which levels of intake and restraint are aired, compared, noticed: 'What are you getting? Is that all you're having? A salad? Oh, please.' Caroline Knapp you women lunch business Women are actually superb at math; they just happen to engage in their own variety of it, an intricate personal math in which desires are split off from one another, weighed, balance, traded, assessed. Caroline Knapp personal own women balance
