I've been punched by a vampire, an Indian girl, and a panda... I... by Adam Rex

I've been punched by a vampire, an Indian girl, and a panda... I should be a video game.

Adam Rex

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You can do terrible things when you don't know who you are. by Adam Rex

You can do terrible things when you don't know who you are.

being-yourself sad fashion

I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G." "Sa... by Adam Rex

I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G." "Sausages.

spy sausage eye

...Almost everything inside was filled with sugar, cheese, and we... by Adam Rex

...Almost everything inside was filled with sugar, cheese, and weight-loss tips.

cheese weight loss

I was the funny, outgoing kid who didn't understand how he could keep getting mistaken for a nerd nobody liked.

outgoing nerd kids

The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-... by Adam Rex

The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much.

united-states too-much country

Wherefor are you knowing it? If you stacked all of the Gorg in the galaxy on top of eachother, the Gorg would kill you.

galaxy knowing ifs

The Boov frowned. 'Everybodies always is wanting to make a clone for to doing their work. If you are not wanting to do your work, why would a clone of you want to do your work?

ifs want

They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?

elephants zoos mean

As far as pets go, a cat is a nice on to have. by Adam Rex

As far as pets go, a cat is a nice on to have.

cat nice pet

The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following Initiation, the 21st at the end of the Initiate's second week, and the 89th the first time he brings snacks.

snacks three acceptance

There's a little bit of magic in every box! by Adam Rex

There's a little bit of magic in every box!

boxes magic littles

Magic likes a good tragedy, too. by Adam Rex

Magic likes a good tragedy, too.

magic likes tragedy

Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.

cat want way

What part of Canada are you from, honey?" "THE LEFT PART," said J... by Adam Rex

What part of Canada are you from, honey?" "THE LEFT PART," said Jay.

canada said honey

Can I see some ID?" "WE DON'T HAVE ID," said Jay, loudly. "'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID...THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN." Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out.

crazy use looks

YOU have no room to laugh, that's all. I'm not doing any worse with Boovish than you did with English.' Get off of the car,' J.Lo huffed. 'I am an English superstar.' Uh-uh. There's no comparison. 'Gratuity' in written Boovish has seventeen different bubbles that all have to be the right size and in the right place. 'J.Lo' in written English only has three letters, and you still spelled it 'M-smiley face-pound sign.

car laughing rooms

Is there a short-eared koobish, then?' Mmmyes ...' said J.Lo. 'But it is technically not really a koobish. Is more alike a kind of singing pumpkin.' We had conversations like these all the time, where I just eventually gave up.

pumpkin singing kind

For the gentle werelibrarian, who's strictly vegetarian, there's nothing like Tofillager the MEATLESS TOFU VILLAGER

gentle tofu vegetarian

We found the bathrooms, which were labeled 'Aliens' and 'Femaliens.' 'Finally,' I said to J.Lo. 'Here's a bathroom you're allowed to use.

bathroom aliens use

[J.Lo] found us a police car. Sort of. 'It's not a police car,' I said. 'It is,' said J.Lo. 'Looknow. Lights for flashing.' 'That's true.' 'Writing on the sides.' 'Yeah, but the writing? It says ''BullShake Party Patrol.'' Yes. Whatnow?

party light writing