I've long believed that if you understand how conversational styles work, you can make adjustments in conversations to get what you want in your relationships. Deborah Tannen More Quotes by Deborah Tannen More Quotes From Deborah Tannen [T]he seeds of [the Argument Culture] can be found our classrooms, where a teacher will introduce an article or an idea . . . setting up debates where people learn not to listen to each other because they're so busy trying to win the debate. Deborah Tannen winningteacherideas False dichotomies are often at the heart of discord. Deborah Tannen dichotomydiscordheart But if you parry individuals points - a negative and defensive enterprise - you never step back and actively imagine a world in which a different system of ideas could be true - a positive act. Deborah Tannen differentnegativeideas Critiquing relieves you of the responsibility of doing integrative thinking. Deborah Tannen responsibilitythinking The one who decides who goes ahead has the upper hand, regardless of who gets to go. This is why many women do not feel empowered by such privileges as having doors held open for them. The advantage of going first through the door is less salient to them than the disadvantage of being granted the right to walk through a door by someone who is framed, by his magnanimous gesture, as the arbiter of the right-of-way. Deborah Tannen powerdoorshands In an ongoing relationship, each current criticism packs the punches of all the others that have gone before. Deborah Tannen ongoingcriticismgone any criticism heard secondhand sounds worse than it would face to face. Words spoken out of our presence strike us as more powerful, just as people we know only by reputation seem larger than life. Deborah Tannen powerfulcriticismpeople The argument culture urges us to approach the world-and the people in it-in an adversarial frame of mind. It rests on the assumption that opposition is the best way to get anything done: Conflict and opposition are as necessary as cooperation and agreement, but the scale is off balance, with conflict and opposition over-weighted. Deborah Tannen agreementmindpeople In some ways, siblings, and especially sisters, are more influential in your childhood than your parents. Deborah Tannen yourparentssomechildhood A sister is like yourself in a different movie, a movie that stars you in a different life. Deborah Tannen yourselfyoustarslife We all feel wistfulness or regret about roads not taken. Deborah Tannen roadsaboutfeelregret If women talk in ways expected of them or project a feminine demeanor, it's seen as weak. But if they talk in ways associated with men or bosses, then they're seen as too aggressive. Whatever they do violates one or the other expectation: either you're not talking as you should as a woman or as boss. Deborah Tannen womanyouwomenmen Everything we say has metamessages indicating how our words are to be interpreted: Is this a serious statement or a joke? Does it show annoyance or goodwill? Most of the time, metamessages are communicated and interpreted without notice because, as far as anyone can tell, the speaker and the hearer agree on their meaning. Deborah Tannen meaningwordsserioustime Mothers subject their daughters to a level of scrutiny people usually reserve for themselves. A mother's gaze is like a magnifying glass held between the sun's rays and kindling. It concentrates the rays of imperfection on her daughter's yearning for approval. The result can be a conflagration - whoosh. Deborah Tannen daughtermothersunpeople While the requirements of a good leader and a good man are similar, the requirements of a good leader and a good woman are mutually exclusive. A good leader must be tough, but a good woman must not be. A good woman must be self-deprecating, but a good leader must not be. Deborah Tannen womangoodmanleader The word 'sister' evokes an ideal of connection and support, like the friendships that made Rebecca Wells's 'Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood' and Ann Brashares's 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' into best-selling novels and successful films. Deborah Tannen secretslikesistersupport My writing is about connecting ways of talking to human relationships. My purpose is to show that linguistics has something to offer in understanding and improving relationships. Deborah Tannen understandingpurposewritingtalking The effect of dominance is not always the result of an intention to dominate. Deborah Tannen dominateresultalwaysintention When daughters react with annoyance or even anger at the smallest, seemingly innocent remarks, mothers get the feeling that talking to their daughters can be like walking on eggshells: they have to watch every word. Deborah Tannen feelinginnocentangerwalking There's the bond of a connection and the bond of bondage... When you are connected to somebody, everything each one does affects the other, and it's a kind of bondage. You're not as free as you would be if that person wasn't in your life. Deborah Tannen bondfreeyoulife
