I was once almost forced off the stage at a large chain bookstore that shall remain nameless, because she introduced me as Lemony Snicket, and I immediately interrupted her and said, "Oh no, Lemony Snicket isn't here," and then she tried to cancel the event right then and there.

Daniel Handler

More Quotes by Daniel Handler
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More Quotes From Daniel Handler

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby - awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

Daniel Handler
family baby love

I'm sure you have heard it said that appearance does not matter so much, and that it is what's on the inside that counts. This is, of course, utter nonsense, because if it were true then people who were good on this inside would would never have to comb their hair or take a bath, and the whole world would smell even worse than it already does.

Daniel Handler
smell hair people

The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it turns up.

Daniel Handler
turns desire heart

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.

Daniel Handler
cat humanity animal

They say love's like a bus, and if you wait long enough another one will come along, but not in this place where the buses are slow and most of the cute ones are gay.

Daniel Handler
gay cute long

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

Daniel Handler
our-world powerful doe

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.

Daniel Handler
gold mean years

Instead of the word 'love' there was an enormous heart, a symbol sometimes used by people who have trouble figuring out the difference between words and shapes.

Daniel Handler
differences heart people

My chauffer once told me that I would feel better in the morning, but when I woke up the two of us were still on a tiny island surrounded by man-eating crocodiles, and, as I'm sure you can understand, I didn't feel any better about it.

Daniel Handler
feel-better morning men

And a refrigerator may hold a basket of strawberries, which would be important if a maniac said to you, "If you don't give me a basket of strawberries right now, I'm going to poke you with this large stick." But when the two elder Baudelaires and Quigley Quagmire opened the refrigerator, they found nothing that would help someone who was wounded, dying of thirst, or being threatened by a strawberry-crazed, stick-carrying maniac.

Daniel Handler
important giving two

Wishing, like sipping a glass of punch, or pulling aside a bearskin rug in order to access a hidden trapdoor in the floor, is merely a quiet way to spend one's time before the candles are extinguished on one's birthday cake.

Daniel Handler
cake glasses order
...everyone was right about you- prove them wrong. by Daniel Handler

...everyone was right about you- prove them wrong.

Daniel Handler
prove-them-wrong prove
The last safe place is safe no more. by Daniel Handler

The last safe place is safe no more.

Daniel Handler
safe-places lasts safe
Either you have the feeling or you don't. Hawk Davies by Daniel Handler

Either you have the feeling or you don't. Hawk Davies

Daniel Handler
hawks feelings

There are so many movies like this, where you thought you were smarter than the screen but the director was smarter than you, of course he's the one, of course it was a dream, of course she's dead, of course, it's hidden right there, of course it's the truth and you in your seat have failed to notice in the dark.

Daniel Handler
dark dream directors
Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them. by Daniel Handler

Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them.

Daniel Handler
educational reading book
I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs. by Daniel Handler

I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs.

Daniel Handler
i-am-so-tired type tired
They looked at each other like a pair of parentheses. by Daniel Handler

They looked at each other like a pair of parentheses.

Daniel Handler
parentheses pairs

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

Daniel Handler
ignorance islands book
When do you learn that the world, like any diner worth its salt,... by Daniel Handler

When do you learn that the world, like any diner worth its salt, is open twenty-four hours a day?

Daniel Handler
diners twenties world