I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been. Joan Rivers survivalrevengematter I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.' Joan Rivers fashionnicehusband The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive. Joan Rivers emptycomedian I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof. Joan Rivers hillariousliquidreading Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Joan Rivers equalpartnersbusiness At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass! Joan Rivers funny-valentineageheart I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Joan Rivers hillariousoutsiderscircles The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible. Joan Rivers horribleworststage Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must go into the arts, go into them for yourself alone. On some basic level you must enjoy the act of doing it ... Otherwise, you are going to end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and gravy. Joan Rivers disappointmentairart Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die. Joan Rivers floridapeoplethinking keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target. Joan Rivers targetagemoving I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial. Joan Rivers husbandtakenheart Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge. Joan Rivers airplaneedgesfigures Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan Rivers yeahnice my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception. Joan Rivers cousincomplainingbaby What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care. Joan Rivers firebookpeople I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off. Joan Rivers making-lovehusbandfall [When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four. Joan Rivers grandchildrenfournoses What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children. Joan Rivers airplanethreechildren You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom. Joan Rivers who-you-knowcollegeuse
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