If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants. Stephen Colbert shoes leadership work The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled the joystick of authority away from the seasoned pilots of the press who would land our country at the Facts International Airport. Stephen Colbert airports media country The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media. Stephen Colbert foam media memories Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal. Stephen Colbert christian mistake america News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans. Stephen Colbert jeans blue religion ...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get. Stephen Colbert knows kids Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote. Stephen Colbert competition texas race Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet! Stephen Colbert waiting mean thinking If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat. Stephen Colbert squat bigs use I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations. Stephen Colbert technology unique memories I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it. Stephen Colbert tsa airports apology I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character. Stephen Colbert boxing feelings character Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner) Stephen Colbert glasses white mean Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter. Stephen Colbert cutting jobs years They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you Stephen Colbert silly running fall Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head. Stephen Colbert castro syphilis cases Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government. Stephen Colbert speech government jesus To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy. Stephen Colbert pacs democracy buying We have this idea in our mind that there's a separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics. Like it's not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course, there - there isn't. Stephen Colbert america ideas thinking I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express. Stephen Colbert visa status-quo accepting
