If you pursue a distancer, he or she will distance more. Consider it a fundamental law of physics. Harriet Lerner More Quotes by Harriet Lerner More Quotes From Harriet Lerner Although it's not useful to drown in despair, it's also not useful to keep a 'positive attitude' when this means concealing or denying real emotions. Harriet Lerner realattitudemean We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern. Harriet Lerner patternspersonssteps Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all. Harriet Lerner dareexpressionsuffering Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others. Harriet Lerner lonelyselfknows We begin to change the dynamic of our relationships as we are able to share our reactions to others without holding them responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices & actions. We are responsible for our own behavior and we are not responsible for other people's reactions; nor are they responsible for ours. Harriet Lerner choicesfeelingspeople If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard. Harriet Lerner passionheardfeels Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship. Harriet Lerner issuesemotionalimportant An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way. Harriet Lerner sacrificepartyintimate-relationships In long-term relationships ... we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness ... we confront the challenge of sustaining both--without losing either. Harriet Lerner balancechallengeslong Keep in mind that the tendency to be judgmental - toward yourself or another person - is a good barometer of how anxious or stressed out you are. Judging others is simply the flip side of judging yourself. Harriet Lerner judging-yourselfstressedmind Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others. Harriet Lerner angerselflife It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid. Harriet Lerner bravewantrunning Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to the other person. Harriet Lerner spirituallisteninggiving If you want a recipe for relationship failure, just wait for the other person to change first. Harriet Lerner recipeswaitingfirsts Through words we come to know the other person--and to be known. This knowing is at the heart of our deepest longings for intimacy and connection with others. How relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice. Harriet Lerner voiceknowingheart Many people value criticism in the early stage of a relationship, but become allergic to it over time. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won't make use of your constructive criticism if there's not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect. Harriet Lerner criticismusepeople Differences don’t just threaten and divide us. They also inform, enrich, and enliven us. Harriet Lerner dividesdifferences Being able to make a sincere apology - one that says, "Yes, I get it; I screwed up. Your feelings make sense, and I'm taking this seriously" - is at the heart of being successful in leadership, parenting, and friendship, as well as our own integrity and self-worth. And the failure to apologize? Even a good relationship will suffer quietly - because we really feel it when someone won't take responsibility for what they said, or didn't say. Harriet Lerner responsibilityheartintegrity The miracle is that your children will love you with all your imperfections if you can do the same for them. Harriet Lerner miraclelove-youchildren We will be in tune with our bodies only if we truly love and honor them. We can't be in good communication with the enemy. Harriet Lerner communicationhonorenemy
