Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences? Eugene Mirman More Quotes by Eugene Mirman More Quotes From Eugene Mirman For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view. Eugene Mirman views jobs thinking It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me. Eugene Mirman different mind people Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's. Eugene Mirman aspergers boys years There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy. Eugene Mirman girl sex years You can do anything you want, as long as it works. Eugene Mirman can-do want long I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places. Eugene Mirman commodity made thinking Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles. Eugene Mirman safety media goes-on I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something. Eugene Mirman oddities judgment laughing I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know. Eugene Mirman goggles capes sex In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified. Eugene Mirman adopted attitude america One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood. Eugene Mirman poor-neighborhoods detroit cities Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. Eugene Mirman blow home jobs The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it. Eugene Mirman truth-is comedian stories I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice. Eugene Mirman massachusetts nice school Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence. Eugene Mirman crime coincidence sex You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship. Eugene Mirman alchemist awkward beer I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason? Eugene Mirman freedom-of-speech want forget I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it. Eugene Mirman six dog way Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive. Eugene Mirman peers pressure giving You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley? Eugene Mirman aces drunk regret
