In dialogue, there is opposition, yes, but no head-on collision. Smashing heads does not open minds. Deborah Tannen More Quotes by Deborah Tannen More Quotes From Deborah Tannen The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship. Deborah Tannen communicationmistakebelieve Part of the reason images of women in positions of authority are marked by their gender is that the very notion of authority is associated with maleness. Deborah Tannen genderauthorityreason Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone. Deborah Tannen cogsindependencecommunication Male-female conversation is cross-cultural communication Deborah Tannen malesfemalecommunication Many women feel it is natural to consult with their partners at every turn, while many men automatically make more decisions without consulting their partners. Deborah Tannen decisionnaturalmen We tend to look through language and not realize how much power language has Deborah Tannen realizinglanguagelooks The argument culture urges us to approach the world - and the people in it - in an adversarial frame of mind. It rests on the assumption that opposition is the best way to get anything done: The best way to discuss an idea is to set up a debate; the best way to cover news is to find spokespeople who express the most extreme, polarized views and present them as 'both sides'; the best way to settle disputes is litigation that pits one party against the other; the best way to begin an essay is to attack someone; and the best way to show you're really thinking is to criticize. Deborah Tannen partyideasthinking The desire for freedom and independence becomes more of an issue for many men in relationships, whereas interdependence and connection become more of an issue for many women. Deborah Tannen independenceissuesmen For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships. Deborah Tannen connectionslanguageway Many men honestly do not know what women want, and women honestly do not know why men find what they want so hard to comprehend and deliver. Deborah Tannen understandingwantmen More men feel comfortable doing "public speaking," while more women feel comfortable doing "private" speaking. Deborah Tannen public-speakingfeelsmen Cooperation isn't the absence of conflict but a means of managing conflict. Deborah Tannen cooperationconflictmean Treating people the same is not equal treatment if they are not the same. Deborah Tannen equal-treatmentifspeople Words can be like weapons of destruction: It takes so much effort, and the cooperation of so many people, to build something - and so little effort of so few to tear it down. Deborah Tannen efforttearspeople Like most men, my father is interested in action. And this is why he disappoints my mother when she tells him she doesn't feel well and he offers to take her to the doctor. He is focused on what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy. Deborah Tannen mothermenfather All communication is more or less cross-cultural. We learn to use language as we grow up, and growing up in different parts of the country, having different ethnic, religious, or class backgrounds, even just being male or female - all result in different ways of talking. Deborah Tannen growing-upreligiouscountry To say that a person feels listened to means a lot more than just their ideas get heard. It's a sign of respect. It makes people feel valued. Deborah Tannen meanpeopleideas If women are often frustrated because men do not respond to their troubles by offering matching troubles, men are often frustrated because women do. Deborah Tannen frustrationofferingmen It can be the best of relationships and the worst of relationships - often at the same time. The bond between a mother and daughter is one of the strongest, but it's also among the most complicated. Deborah Tannen daughtercomplicatedmother We all know we are unique individuals, but we tend to see others as representatives of groups. Deborah Tannen diversityuniquejustice
