In September of last year, I met a woman at a party, we exchanged numbers. We texted back and forth and eventually went on a date. We went out to dinner, and afterwards we ended up engaging in sexual activity, which by all indications was completely consensual.Aziz Ansari reportedly brings up sexual misconduct allegation in stand-up set.

Aziz Ansari

Categorized in : Entertainment

When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my 'Oh No Nos.' If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don't

Aziz Ansari

dating-someone lists girl

Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.

Aziz Ansari

parks-and-recreation balls littles

I just didn’t want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else.

Aziz Ansari

asian fields want

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify — I have no interest in non-nude images.

Aziz Ansari

let-me interest art

I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.

Aziz Ansari

optimist moments life-is

Zerts' are what I call desserts. 'Trée-trées' are entrées. I call sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' or 'Adam Sandlers.' Air conditioners are 'cool blasterz' with a 'z' - I don't know where that came from. I call cakes 'big ol' cookies.' I call noodles 'long-ass rice.' Fried chicken is 'fry-fry chicky-chick.' Chicken parm is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken cacciatore? 'Chicky-cacc.' I call eggs 'pre-birds,' or 'future birds.' Root beer is 'super water.' Tortillas are 'bean blankets.' And I call forks 'food rakes.'

Aziz Ansari

cake air beer

Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired.

Aziz Ansari

great-work ethnicity people

I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.

Aziz Ansari

being-single going-out home

Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?

Aziz Ansari

black would-be world

I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.

Aziz Ansari

reading time book

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Aziz Ansari

parks-and-recreation taken people

You've got to be pretty confident that you're good. If I do a show and for whatever reason no one laughs, I'll be like, 'Wow, those people are weird'.

Aziz Ansari

wow laughing people

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.

Aziz Ansari

keys matter giving

I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape sh*t with it.

Aziz Ansari

ice-cream talking thinking

Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.

Aziz Ansari

yelling culture people

The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay.

Aziz Ansari

hardest gay parent

Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.

Aziz Ansari

asian style silence

One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.

Aziz Ansari

burgers new-york missing

My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.

Aziz Ansari

dad america son

Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.

Aziz Ansari

real struggle running