It is an act of courage to acknowledge our own uncertainty and sit with it for a while. Harriet Lerner More Quotes by Harriet Lerner More Quotes From Harriet Lerner Wherever you find a wife and mother-in-law slugging it out, you'll find a son who's not speaking up to either his mother or his wife. Harriet Lerner speaking-up mother son Marriage is the lightning rod that absorbs anxiety and stress from all other sources, past and present. When marriage has a firm foundation of solid friendship and mutual respect, it can tolerate a fair amount of raw emotion. A good fight can clear the air, and it's nice to know we can survive conflict and even learn from it. Many couples, however, get trapped in endless rounds of fighting and blaming that they don't know how to get out of. When fights go unchecked and unrepaired, they can eventually erode love and respect, which are the bedrock of any successful relationship. Harriet Lerner stress nice couple What initially attracts us and what later becomes 'the problem' are usually one and the same. Harriet Lerner problem If you're married to an entrenched non-apologizer, it won't help to doggedly demand one. Some folks lack the self-esteem required to take responsibility for their less than honorable behaviors, feel remorse, and offer a heartfelt apology. And many people are so hard on themselves for the mistakes they make, they don't have the emotional room to admit vulnerability and apologize to a partner. Harriet Lerner self-esteem responsibility mistake The term girl not only serves to avoid certain anxiety-arousing connotations inherent in the word woman regarding aggression, sexuality, and reproduction, it also serves to impart a tone of frivolousness and lack of seriousness to ambitious, intellectual, and competitive striving that women may pursue. Harriet Lerner anxiety women girl It's true that over-apologizing interrupts the flow of conversation and irritates the person who has to stop and offer reassurance, like, "No, it's fine, don't worry about it." But far greater than the challenge of toning down unnecessary "sorrys" is offering an apology when one is due. Harriet Lerner apology challenges worry Intensity is not the same as intimacy, although we tend to confuse these two words. Harriet Lerner intensity intimacy two Fear is a message - sometimes helpful, sometimes not - but often conveying critical information about our beliefs, our needs, and our relationship to the world around us. Harriet Lerner fear world needs Request an apology when you believe you deserve one, but don't get in a tug of war about it. Instead, be a role model and tender a genuine apology yourself when an apology is due. Your willingness to apologize can be contagious and models maturity for your partner. Also, your non-apologizing partner may use a nonverbal way to reconnect after a fight, defuse the tension, or show you he's in a new place and wants to repair a disconnection. Accept the olive branch however it's offered. Harriet Lerner apology war believe If what we are doing with our anger is not achieving the desired result, it would seem logical to try something different. Harriet Lerner different trying inspirational There are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains. There is no adequate apology for the ongoing horrific legacy of racism. Harriet Lerner apology racism people Don't count on the power of your love or your nagging to create something that wasn't there to begin with. Harriet Lerner nagging When anxiety disrupts functioning, it's psychiatric illness. Harriet Lerner psychiatric illness anxiety Pretending can be a bold form of experimentation and inventiveness. In pretending joy or happiness, we may discover or enhance our capacity for it. Harriet Lerner pretending may joy Believing that all women should want to be mothers makes about as much sense as believing that all men should want to be engineers. Harriet Lerner mother men believe As many have observed, it is easy to tell a lie, but it is almost impossible to tell only one. Harriet Lerner easy impossible lying Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is. To ask, "Is my anger legitimate?" is similar to asking, "Do I have the right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what's the point of getting thirsty when I can't get anything to drink now, anyway?" Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel--and certainly our anger is no exception. Harriet Lerner glasses anger meaningful Judging people for whom they love (a same sex partner) rather than by whom they harm, should in itself merit a psychiatric diagnosis. Harriet Lerner judging-people diagnosis sex Whatever your sex fantasy is with your partner, consider it normal. Harriet Lerner fantasy normal sex No book or expert can protect us from the range of painful emotions that make us human. Harriet Lerner emotion experts book
