It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7. Dana Gould More Quotes by Dana Gould More Quotes From Dana Gould Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done. Dana Gould drink coffee done The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes. Dana Gould shoes my-favorite looks If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup. Dana Gould coffee war children My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer. Dana Gould cancer wife simple If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound. Dana Gould republican compassion looks Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone. Dana Gould phones dog people You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram. Dana Gould drawing real thinking The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging. Dana Gould aging magazines trust-me The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad. Dana Gould naked weird-things knowing I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone. Dana Gould hate mind people My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road. Dana Gould love-life bored daughter Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show. Dana Gould girl perfect looks They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. Dana Gould awkward devil boys If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles. Dana Gould rolling definitions successful I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick! Dana Gould hard-times real cities The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family. Dana Gould pimp growing perfect Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone. Dana Gould peanuts raisins chocolate Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles. Dana Gould turns please football I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros. Dana Gould horny enough thinking I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter. Dana Gould peanuts peanut-butter virgins
