It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry. Demetri Martin dry water looks Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time. Demetri Martin killers suicide bridges It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. Demetri Martin internet two people For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman. Demetri Martin cowboy reason sound What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples! Demetri Martin rice milk nipples I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. Demetri Martin distance hair thinking I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely. Demetri Martin hipster comedian stars Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets. Demetri Martin refrigerators magnet knights It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time." Demetri Martin dumb decision years If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time. Demetri Martin blindfolds blind ifs Once I started to look i finally began to see. Demetri Martin looks The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. Demetri Martin mysterious lord way My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.' Demetri Martin distance ocean talking Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer. Demetri Martin challenges play fun I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin. Demetri Martin napkins shirts The problem with most people, is that they are most people. Demetri Martin four-agreements problem people The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. Demetri Martin ledges balance keys I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti. Demetri Martin spaghetti snakes A human head looks the least scary when it is attached. Demetri Martin scary humans looks I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes. Demetri Martin grapes congratulations giving
