Daniel Handler: Just because something is traditional is no reason to...

Is it useful to feel fear, because it prepares you for nasty events, or is it useless, because nasty events will occur whether you are frightened or not?

Daniel Handler

events useless fear

Xenial' is a word which refers to the giving of gifts to strangers. . . . I know that having a good vocabulary doesn't guarantee that I'm a good person. . . . But it does mean I've read a great deal. And in my experience, well-read people are less likely to be evil.

Daniel Handler

guarantees-that vocabulary mean

If you feel . . . that well-read people are less likely to be evil, and a world full of people sitting quietly with good books in their hands is preferable to world filled with schisms and sirens and other noisy and troublesome things, then every time you enter a library you might say to yourself, 'The world is quiet here,' as a sort of pledge proclaiming reading to be the greater good.

Daniel Handler

reading book hands

Having a personal philosophy is like having a pet marmoset, because it may be very attractive when you acquire it, but there may be situations when it will not come in handy at all.

Daniel Handler

pet may philosophy

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.

Daniel Handler

morning-time good-morning good-day

You would run much slower if you were dragging something behind you, like a knapsack or a sheriff.

Daniel Handler

sheriffs behind-you running

I know what is going on," said Sir. "I am the Boss! Of course I know!

Daniel Handler

boss courses said

Desperate times call for desperate measures" is an aphorism which here means "sometimes you need to change your facial expression in order to create a workable disguise." The quoting of an aphorism, such as "It takes a village to raise a child," "No news is good news," and "Love conquers all," rarely indicates that something helpful is about to happen, which is why we provide our volunteers with a disguise kit in addition to helpful phrases of advice.

Daniel Handler

love mean children

A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out.

Daniel Handler

irritating new-experiences trying

The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught.

Daniel Handler

eavesdropping caught keys

It is terribly rude to tell people that their troubles are boring.

Daniel Handler

rude sympathy people

Whenever you are examining someone else's belongings, you are bound to learn many interesting things about the person of which you were not previously aware.

Daniel Handler

awareness persons interesting

To hear the phrase "our only hope" always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn't work, there is nothing left.

Daniel Handler

anxiety hope mean

Like a church bell, a coffin, and a vat of melted chocolate, a supply closet is rarely a comfortable place to hide.

Daniel Handler

church-bells coffins chocolate

There's information about everything from poetry to pills, from picture frames to pyramids, and from pudding to psychology--and that's just in the P aisle, which we're walking down right now.

Daniel Handler

pills psychology pyramids

Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of 'systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, syst-susceptible sister,' which is easier done than said.

Daniel Handler

easier done world

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.

Daniel Handler

jumping air mean

Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

Daniel Handler

congratulations yesterday baby

Wherever there’s a conductor, you’re sure to find a dead composer!

Daniel Handler

conductor composer

The Violins waltzed. The Cellos and Basses provided accompaniment. The Violas mourned their fate, while the Concertmaster showed off. The Flutes did bird imitations…repeatedly, and the reed instruments had the good taste to admire my jacket. The Trumpets held a parade in honor of our great nation, while the French Horns waxed nostalgic about something or other. The Trombones had too much to drink. The Percussion beat the band, and the Tuba stayed home playing cards with his landlady, the Harp, taking sips of warm milk a blue little cup. “But the Composer is still dead.

Daniel Handler

fate home blue

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.