Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing! Norm MacDonald More Quotes by Norm MacDonald More Quotes From Norm MacDonald You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh? Norm MacDonald wake-up dream men Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame. Norm MacDonald inward shame hypocrisy Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools. Norm MacDonald duplicity desire men In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it. Norm MacDonald stupid math teacher If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy. Norm MacDonald guy suicide looks They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know? Norm MacDonald alcoholics like-you knows The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity. Norm MacDonald prosperity friends adversity There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion. Norm MacDonald giving men two If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating. Norm MacDonald hollywood would-be people The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation. Norm MacDonald opinion satisfaction joy Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones. Norm MacDonald wind love men Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong. Norm MacDonald prejudice strong reason They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it. Norm MacDonald ignorant consolation fool The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men. Norm MacDonald imperfection sometimes men I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical. Norm MacDonald lines would-be perfect It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated. Norm MacDonald tolerance order I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong. Norm MacDonald political-opinions religious thinking Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here. Norm MacDonald guy dog ideas It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that. Norm MacDonald rocks sports men He that searches for praise will often find contempt. Norm MacDonald contempt praise
