Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole. John Mortimer More Quotes by John Mortimer More Quotes From John Mortimer Like childhood, old age is irresponsible, reckless, and foolhardy. Children and old people have everything to gain and nothing much to lose. It's middle-age which is cursed by the desperate need to cling to some finger-hold halfway up the mountain, to conform, not to cause trouble, to behave well. John Mortimer childhood children people No brilliance is needed in the law. Nothing but common sense, and relatively clean finger nails. John Mortimer nails common-sense law The greatest horrors of our world are committed by people who are totally sincere. John Mortimer horror our-world people Dying is a matter of slapstick and pratfalls. The ageing process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over and runs off laughing. No one should grow old who isn't ready to appear ridiculous. John Mortimer dying running laughing When... I told my father I wanted to be a writer, he had asked me to consider my unfortunate wife, who would have me about the house all day 'wearing a dressing gown, brewing tea and stumped for words'. John Mortimer wife house father We don't know much about the human conscience, except that it is soluble in alcohol. John Mortimer alcohol humans knows The secret of good health and happiness is to have rather small illnesses throughout your life which you can rely on to stop you doing anything you don't want to do. John Mortimer secret advice life Never believe a rumour until you hear it officially denied. John Mortimer rumours belief believe Hell must be a place where you are only allowed to read what you agree with. John Mortimer agree where-you-are hell There is always time for failure John Mortimer What obsesses a writer starting out on a lifetime's work is the panic-stricken search for a voice of his own. John Mortimer panic starting-out voice I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. John Mortimer three worry years No power on earth, however, can abolish the merciless class distinction between those who are physically desirable and the lonely, pallid, spotted, silent, unfancied majority. John Mortimer lonely class beauty Loyalty to the school to which your parents pay to send you seemed to me like feeling loyalty to Selfridges. John Mortimer loyalty parent school The law seems like a sort of maze through which a client must be led to safety, a collection of reefs, rocks, and underwater hazards through which he or she must be piloted. John Mortimer rocks safety law Writing about the indignities of old age: the daunting stairway to the restaurant restroom, the benefits of a wheelchair in airports and its disadvantages at cocktail parties, giving the user what he described as a child's-eye view of the party and a crotch-level view of the guests. Dying is a matter of slapstick and pratfalls. The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over and runs off laughing. No one should grow old who isn't ready to appear ridiculous. John Mortimer party running children The only rule I have found to have any validity in writing is not to bore yourself. John Mortimer bores found writing Check-ups are, in my experience, a grave mistake; all they do is allow the quack of your choice to tell you that you have some sort of complaint that you were far happier not knowing about. John Mortimer choices knowing mistake Do we want blanks, asterisks and exclamation marks which people can fill in with their own imaginations, or are we prepared and strong enough to tolerate, even if we do not approve, the strong Anglo-Saxon, realistic and vivid language? John Mortimer exclamation-marks strong imagination The shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between the milk and the yoghurt. John Mortimer yogurt milk writing
