Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the semen stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs.

Amy Sedaris

Categorized in : Thinking Order Baby

Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.

Amy Sedaris

women girlfriend real

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.

Amy Sedaris

losing pet sometimes

I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.

Amy Sedaris

being-alone opportunity thinking

It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.

Amy Sedaris

prison-time broken fire

I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

Amy Sedaris

shoes feet men

Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.

Amy Sedaris

land giving two

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

Amy Sedaris

doors relationship thinking

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.

Amy Sedaris

easter mom god

I was just a kid. I think I stole a candy bar. I remember feeling so terrible. It was the worst shock. I was probably 7. That's my least favorite feeling: guilt.

Amy Sedaris

feelings kids thinking

I swear I want to be a food model.

Amy Sedaris

swear models want

I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd get your supplies, and then you'd use your imagination.

Amy Sedaris

hobbies imagination use

You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors who come in like a breath of fresh air.

Amy Sedaris

air character watches

Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny pair of shoes in the hallway or lean small wooden crutches in what I refer to as 'the baby's room,' which is actually a tiny space where I make things. I continue to call it the baby's room because it confuses people and it's creepy.

Amy Sedaris

shoes baby children

If you see a shy person, ask them some questions like, 'Why are you so shy? Tell everyone, we're all listening.

Amy Sedaris

shy persons listening

Learn more about yourself! Make a self-esteem collage using pictures of other people you wish you were.

Amy Sedaris

self-esteem wish people

My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea market.

Amy Sedaris

fleas favorites-things stories

My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.

Amy Sedaris

daughter mom mother

There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything.

Amy Sedaris

Well I went to New Orleans to cover the jazz festival for Trio, it's this new arts channel, it's really great.

Amy Sedaris

festivals new-orleans art

although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop.

Amy Sedaris

teenager devil hands