My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper. Christopher Titus More Quotes by Christopher Titus More Quotes From Christopher Titus Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Wel, go ahead. Say, me dammit again." Christopher Titus growing-uppainhurt No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. Christopher Titus philosophicalproblemphilosophy Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. Christopher Titus firesometimespast Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy? Christopher Titus daddygrowing-upcompassion Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'. Christopher Titus shouldbookthinking God bless America. But God, please help Canada. Christopher Titus philosophicalphilosophyamerica My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers ? When I go to dinner with friends, should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby? Christopher Titus dinner-with-friendscrazybaby My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night. Christopher Titus dadbeerfather Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her. Christopher Titus valentines-daystrongreal The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. Oh my God, the world is over! Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer! You guys have been great. Thank you. Christopher Titus cdsguymean My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab. Christopher Titus divorcebarsparent I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph. Christopher Titus nymphsdadplay If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time. Christopher Titus dadtexasrunning If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend! Christopher Titus girlfrienddangerwant By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route. Christopher Titus vampirerealtwo Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. Christopher Titus should-ienglandshould This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you. Christopher Titus skullslaughingmen Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh? Christopher Titus dadteammemories In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. Christopher Titus drinkmy-familygoodness To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything. Christopher Titus growing-updadsuccess
