My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha." Christopher Titus More Quotes by Christopher Titus More Quotes From Christopher Titus Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant, you're mentally ill. If you're so far right that you actually believe that somebody who doesn't have a job and is not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay, and you get to keep 80 percent of the profit - you're mentally ill. Christopher Titus heart jobs believe Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader. Christopher Titus crowds causes leader Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a dysfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there? Christopher Titus mom mean father Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant. Christopher Titus philosophical baseball philosophy This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money. Christopher Titus parent successful country The normal make a living. The deranged make history. Christopher Titus deranged normal And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it. Christopher Titus arrogant sprinkles who-i-am I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work. Christopher Titus findings succeed failing Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass. Christopher Titus father kids children My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol. Christopher Titus divorce mom home Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die. Christopher Titus philosophical smell philosophy Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol. Christopher Titus dad water thinking I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos. Christopher Titus oreos alcohol believe I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you. Christopher Titus rebel brain thinking Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize! Christopher Titus needs When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus. Christopher Titus pay-the-price california dad Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation. Christopher Titus trophies generations soul Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"! Christopher Titus soulmate dad believe I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon. Christopher Titus uncles drug love-is My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. 'I don't want people not taking me serious.' Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on. Christopher Titus divorce dad thinking
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